TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully from place. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have A different put where by American Adult men can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although previous negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: supply All people a suite about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the challenge, replied, "You know, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a function becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental groups Trump Tower Damascus have filed lawsuits right after finding the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not only unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is presently attracting focus from international traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level may even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel in which my PTSD might have change-down support."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Thoughts within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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